The Three Hidden Forces That Sabotage Your Ambitions and How to Overcome Them

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Throughout my life, I’ve devoted a lot of energy to “solve” for what I call “point blockers” — one-off events that come up as disruptive, beyond my control, or that I’ve given somehow a quality of being life-changing

• Somebody's death
• A certification
• A promotion

Which is great for short-term survival — all my brain is focused on solving the problem at hand.

What’s not so good is that — as the British say — that had prevented me from seeing the forest for the trees, missing the big picture.

And what’s the forest? The systems, the processes, and the unconscious assumptions that underpin the daily grind — the feeling of a death by a thousand cuts.

Reviewing my thinking and behaviour patterns as well as those of my clients — mostly ambitious women in tech — reveal consistent ways that keep us from doing what we want to do but we’re not doing:

1. Our brain
2. Our education
3. Patriarchy

Whilst I’ve discussed them somehow disjointly in the past — addressing one at a time, or even two — I found new insights from looking at them as interlocked systems of oppression.

Wow, oppression? As I write it appears to be “too” strong. Am I exaggerating?

But what else can we call what crushes our aspirations, makes us feel small, and wears us down?

Not all is doom and gloom though. And to prove it, I want to share with you two ways to uncover — and neutralise— those three majestic forces acting against our best interests.

But first, let’s have a look at the culprits.

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Three Forces That Keep You From What You Deserve

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Your brain is wired for survival. It loves the status quo. If it was for your brain, you’d spend your days in bed with a hot chocolate.

Your brain is scarred by uncertainty and avoids any new experiences. As a consequence, any change is seen as a threat rather than an opportunity

• You don’t leave an uninspiring job because you think that it’d be worse in other organisations, ruining your chances of finding a much better role.
• You don’t volunteer for new opportunities — a task, a project, a presentation — because you doubt your capabilities to do something you’ve never done before, even if you have plenty of evidence of how resourceful you’ve been in the past.
• You think that your “inner critic” is your best friend because it stops you from ridiculing yourself when in reality is blocking you from greatness.

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You’ve been told that if you work hard, you’ll be rewarded. You’re convinced that the higher you go, you’ll have to work harder.

You’ve been indoctrinated that you have to give 150% to all you do. You believe should aim for perfection so

• You don’t ask for a promotion because you tell yourself that you’ll have to work more.
• You spent uncountable hours on a report until looks perfect only to shame yourself when you find a typo after submitting it, rather than aiming for a good — not excellent — report that would have taken much less effort and time.
• You keep doing courses, getting certifications, and pursuing degrees whilst others network and find sponsors to get the roles you deserve.

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Patriarchy is about believing that men are superior. Tech — and most sectors — are ruled by patriarchy.

And you bear the brunt of it

• You don’t negotiate your salary because you think you’re not worth it, even if statistics show that 94% of job offers made are upheld after candidates negotiate them.
• You get drowned in “naturally female” tasks such as admin and glue work — taking notes in meetings, bringing birthday cakes, and providing emotional support — while your male peers focus on promotable activities.
• You buy on the trope that imposter syndrome is a “female thing” and spend time binging on webinars and books promising to “cure you”, rather than learning how to use it to your advantage.

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The bottom line is that you’ve learned to narrow your ambition and blame yourself for it.

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The good news is that it’s all a lie

Here is proof

• Jeff Bezos doesn’t work billions of hours more than the people working for him but, already in 2020, Bezos was making in a second what took eight weeks to earn an Amazon warehouse worker.
• Neither Sam Altman, Mark Zuckerberg, nor Bill Gates finished their undergraduate studies.
• I balance my corporate role as Director of Scientific Support at a Tech Corporation with my business, getting the best of both worlds.

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Are We Doomed to Trip Over The Same Stones Forever?

Our brain, our education, and patriarchy appear as formidable forces — and they are!

Moreover, there is no “vaccine” or “magic bullet” to erase them in the blink of an eye.

• Our brains stay with us until we die.
• It takes ages to “unlearn” our education.
• Patriarchy is in the air we breathe — from the roles we take at home to our politicians and institutions.

Is there an alternative? Actually, I have two for you.

One on your own and the other with support.

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Alternative #1: Do It On Your Own With 3 Questions

There are two kinds of self-awareness

• Self-awareness about yourself — knowing what you think, feel, and do.
• Self-awareness about others — grasping how others perceive you.

To battle the three forces that keep you from greatness— brain, education, and patriarchy — it’s imperative to focus on the first kind of self-awareness: Your thoughts about yourself.

How do you do that? You ask yourself three magical questions when you notice that you’re refraining yourself from stepping into boldness.

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Question #1: What am I hearing?

You’re about to apply for a job and you hear in your head

• This job is too demanding for me.
• People won’t like me.
• They’ll be disappointed when they read my CV.

Do you see how those “voices” are reproducing the “three forces”?

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Question #2: What am I saying about myself?

I have the luxury of meeting amazing women every week. Weaving in our conversations, I often hear them say about themselves:

• I’m not the smartest person but I work hard.
• I was just lucky to get promoted.
• I don’t know how to ask for a salary increase.

How do you expect to get inspired to try new things when you’re kicking yourself down all the time?

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Question #3: What am I assuming?

This powerful question comes from my study of the Thinking Environment framework, which posits that

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A core component of the Thinking Environment is uncovering untrue assumptions​

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What does that look like in practice? Let’s look at the example I mentioned above of applying for a job.

Thought: This job is too demanding for me.

What assumptions am I making about the schedules and flexibility of the role?

Thought: People won’t like me

What evidence supports my assumption that nobody in that organisation would like me?

Thought: They’ll be disappointed when they read my CV.

What proof do you have that your CV is not exactly what they are looking for?

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In summary, questions are great if you have the self-awareness required to pause and allow yourself to reflect on what’s going on in your head.

However, your brain offers you “thoughts” at a rate of 900 words per minute, so it’s a mighty task.

The good news is that you don’t need to do it alone.

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Alternative #2: Do It With Coachering©

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Throughout my own lived experience as well as my decades of expertise as a mentor and coach, I’ve concluded that the best external support to help materialise impossible goals comes as the ideal combination of mentoring and coaching.

I called that perfect balance coachering© — a unique combination of coaching and mentoring that is personalised to the recipient, taking into account their background, current situation, and their goals.

This is how it works in practice.

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As a coach

• I provide a confidential and non-judgmental space with no distractions to uncover the reasons behind your behaviors, enabling true change.
• Unlike self-help or quick-fix programs, I address the root cause of the issue and give you tools you can use for life.
• I know how to motivate you to do things that you thought were impossible and keep you accountable for massive action.
• I have a library of techniques to help you overcome anxiety, procrastination, self-doubt, overwhelm, and self-criticism.
• I continually show you how you are growing and improving and tell you the truth without holding back.

In brief, as a coach, I help you to do what you want to do but you’re not doing.

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As a Mentor

• I share with you valuable insights, knowledge, and experience gained from my own career and personal journey, helping you to avoid common pitfalls, navigate challenges, and capitalise on opportunities more effectively.
• I give you guidance on developing specific skills relevant to your career goals. Whether it’s leadership, communication, technical expertise, or other competencies, I can offer you advice, resources, and feedback to help you enhance your capabilities.
• I believe in your potential, boosting your confidence. I provide encouragement, validation, and support, helping you overcome self-doubt and imposter syndrome, and empowering you to take on new challenges and pursue ambitious career goals.
• I can advise on your career path, educational opportunities, and professional development initiatives, helping you to make informed decisions and progress more rapidly toward your objectives.

As a mentor, I leverage my knowledge, experience, and support to help you accelerate your career progression and achieve your goals more efficiently.

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How do I know this works?

Some of the results women in tech have gotten from working with me are

• A 70% salary increase within 6 months.
• Transitioned from career ceiling to dream job within 10 months.
• Promoted from individual contributor to manager within one year.
• First trustee role within 4 months.
• Got sponsorship and precious advice from experts from mastering social media and cold pitching.
• Developed an impactful and authentic communication style that got them a promotion.

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Testimonials

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Call To Action

Holding yourself back from applying for a new role?

Thinking your ambitions are “too big” for you?

Feeling “behind” after returning from maternity leave?

Then, pause and ask yourself the three magic questions

• What am I hearing?
• What am I saying about myself?
• What am I assuming?

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Or decide that you’re worthy of getting the support you need and reply to this email to get more information about how coachering© can help you reach your dreams.

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I cannot wait to meet you.

Inclusion is a practice, not a certificate.
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​patriciagestoso.com​

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